I used to be sad/mad about change, but then I had a realization.
Life is like a book.
I’m just Starting a new chapter…
You can always go back even if It might seem different the second time you “read” it, it’s always be there.
A word of advice Keep flipping the pages forwards, never back. because even though you can go back you shouldn’t. That’s not the chapter you’re on anymore, you need to let go and start a new one.
A better one, because if you go back it might rip your heart apart and all the good will go sad.
So keep flipping your pages until you reach “the end” and your heart stops.
I’m mad/sad, everything is falling apart and I’m not good with change it’s not in my DNA. I can’t mention everything that’s happening in my life because some of it is about other people and I don’t feel okay about posting the mistakes they made.
One of the people who made some terrible mistakes, mistakes that make me so mad. She told me she changed over and over again and I would stick up for her over and over again and she left me down BIG time, but that’s not really why I’m mad at her. I’m mad at her because she has made her life so much worse and so much harder and she was so close to having a better life, but she couldn’t take it any longer so she gave in and messed up. I understand, but you can never give in, that’s what my coaches told me…
I’m going to tell you one more thing, but trust me this isn’t it, but just because there’s a lot of rain and lightning doesn’t mean there’s no sunshine every so often.
My gym is closing in a few weeks, you have no idea how heart breaking this is for me, that place was my home and the people were definitely like family, to lose a home that meant so much kills me. It hurts to know that I couldn’t do anything to stop it, I tried, I did. I never gave up, but sometimes even though you never give up and never said can’t. You don’t get what you want in the end, you have to start a new chapter.
I stare at my reflection analyzing every inch of my skin, every freckle, every scar, every imperfection.
I see my mouth move, but I’m not the one speaking.
I see my reflection telling myself how worthless I am, how I’ll never be loved by anyone not even myself. She begins to scream. I see my tears running down my cheeks.
Drip, drip, drip…
I look away, I close my eyes as tight as I can to try to get away
But the words only get louder as I walk away.
People ask me if I’m okay, I say I’m fine and try to forget about my demon who won’t go away.
I don’t feel like I have control of my life at the moment. When I was younger, about seven or eight I would think of what my life would be like when i’m older and here’s what I thought…
I imagined that I would have a boyfriend by this point, but that’s not the case. I also thought that my parents wouldn’t treat me like a kid, but that would treat me as the do my older brothers.
I’m in high school, i’m not a bad kid. I don’t do drugs (never have.) i’m not pregnant, unlike it seems everyone else is my age where I live. My parents act like everything I do is bad and no matter how hard I try they still tell me the same thing “why can’t you be like your brother?” I just roll my eyes because they have no idea what he does behind there backs and I don’t do a thing behind there’s. I want to give them a smart answer back and say ” well for one… I’m a girl.” but I bite my tongue.
As I said before I don’t feel like I have control of my own life. What I meant by that was I have to follow everyone else around and if no ones home i’m stuck doing nothing all day because i’m not allow to go anywhere by myself because i’m just too “little” this is why I hate being the youngest. I’m not allowed to be control of my own life.
Soon I hope that they can change how they look at me and would realize that I’m getting older and should be given a little more freedom, but until then I guess I’ll just have to prove them wrong.
I’m getting to the point in my life where I have to grow up… A LOT. Now, is this a good thing or a bad, the truth it’s both, it’s easy as that.
People are bugging me about not having a prom date. I’m sorry i’ve been a little busy training seven hours almost everyday along with school and homework. I don’t mind going by myself, but when everyone is telling you NEED one, it kinda makes you think that you really do. I mean you don’t want to be different or seem like you don’t have a life (when the reality is that’s the reason you don’t have a date in the first place.)
I had a meet this weekend and I only have two meets left in the season, which means I only have a month left in gym. I don’t know how to feel about that, I hope its not going to be like it was two years ago. (When I was doing nothing everyday.) That wasn’t the greatest thing for my health in any means. Hopefully, I can get a job pretty fast and i’ll keep myself busy.
I wait for hours at a time to get my second chance back into sight. I wait to sink into that world, at night.
You may not have heard of this world, not many have. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones, I get to visit it every night.
It’s called earth number two.
A world where you’re who you want to be.
A world where no one says “life Isn’t fair”
A world where you don’t have to lie to spare there’s.
A world where you get a second chance, but don’t forget about the cost it will bare.
Here I am 24 hours before my death… Okay, maybe i’m being a little dramatic, but then again you never know.
I have a meet tomorrow morning and since I sprained my elbow at the beginning of last month, I’m not at my best. I hate feeling like i’m bring my team down in anyway, but that’s the truth isn’t it. I also have to qualify for state and if I don’t my best friend will be upset with me because the state meet is a the college we both want to go to.
So a lots on my chest, it’s beyond stressful and to be honest I just want to be done with gymnastics at this point. I can make it, I only have month and a half left until all of this just disappears from my life forever. I know i’ll miss it, all the people including all of my coaches and just doing gymnastics in general. From where i’m at right now mentally, i’m just tired of all of it.
There’s not long left until it’s over so I should just enjoy every minute and not be so worried all the time. I know i’ll make it through I just have to, right? I will be more.