I stare at my reflection analyzing every inch of my skin, every freckle, every scar, every imperfection.
I see my mouth move, but I’m not the one speaking.
I see my reflection telling myself how worthless I am, how I’ll never be loved by anyone not even myself. She begins to scream. I see my tears running down my cheeks.
Drip, drip, drip…
I look away, I close my eyes as tight as I can to try to get away
But the words only get louder as I walk away.
People ask me if I’m okay, I say I’m fine and try to forget about my demon who won’t go away.
I don’t feel like I have control of my life at the moment. When I was younger, about seven or eight I would think of what my life would be like when i’m older and here’s what I thought…
I imagined that I would have a boyfriend by this point, but that’s not the case. I also thought that my parents wouldn’t treat me like a kid, but that would treat me as the do my older brothers.
I’m in high school, i’m not a bad kid. I don’t do drugs (never have.) i’m not pregnant, unlike it seems everyone else is my age where I live. My parents act like everything I do is bad and no matter how hard I try they still tell me the same thing “why can’t you be like your brother?” I just roll my eyes because they have no idea what he does behind there backs and I don’t do a thing behind there’s. I want to give them a smart answer back and say ” well for one… I’m a girl.” but I bite my tongue.
As I said before I don’t feel like I have control of my own life. What I meant by that was I have to follow everyone else around and if no ones home i’m stuck doing nothing all day because i’m not allow to go anywhere by myself because i’m just too “little” this is why I hate being the youngest. I’m not allowed to be control of my own life.
Soon I hope that they can change how they look at me and would realize that I’m getting older and should be given a little more freedom, but until then I guess I’ll just have to prove them wrong.
I’m getting to the point in my life where I have to grow up… A LOT. Now, is this a good thing or a bad, the truth it’s both, it’s easy as that.
People are bugging me about not having a prom date. I’m sorry i’ve been a little busy training seven hours almost everyday along with school and homework. I don’t mind going by myself, but when everyone is telling you NEED one, it kinda makes you think that you really do. I mean you don’t want to be different or seem like you don’t have a life (when the reality is that’s the reason you don’t have a date in the first place.)
I had a meet this weekend and I only have two meets left in the season, which means I only have a month left in gym. I don’t know how to feel about that, I hope its not going to be like it was two years ago. (When I was doing nothing everyday.) That wasn’t the greatest thing for my health in any means. Hopefully, I can get a job pretty fast and i’ll keep myself busy.
I wait for hours at a time to get my second chance back into sight. I wait to sink into that world, at night.
You may not have heard of this world, not many have. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones, I get to visit it every night.
It’s called earth number two.
A world where you’re who you want to be.
A world where no one says “life Isn’t fair”
A world where you don’t have to lie to spare there’s.
A world where you get a second chance, but don’t forget about the cost it will bare.
Here I am 24 hours before my death… Okay, maybe i’m being a little dramatic, but then again you never know.
I have a meet tomorrow morning and since I sprained my elbow at the beginning of last month, I’m not at my best. I hate feeling like i’m bring my team down in anyway, but that’s the truth isn’t it. I also have to qualify for state and if I don’t my best friend will be upset with me because the state meet is a the college we both want to go to.
So a lots on my chest, it’s beyond stressful and to be honest I just want to be done with gymnastics at this point. I can make it, I only have month and a half left until all of this just disappears from my life forever. I know i’ll miss it, all the people including all of my coaches and just doing gymnastics in general. From where i’m at right now mentally, i’m just tired of all of it.
There’s not long left until it’s over so I should just enjoy every minute and not be so worried all the time. I know i’ll make it through I just have to, right? I will be more.
I want to press game over and restart. You told me that was impossible and I should just carry on with my life.
So I kept my lips sealed, but my mind would run wild.
You would always say I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, but you don’t understand I do it all the time.
I lie when I say I’m fine just tried,I say as I close my eyes.
You would say act better, be better, and smile even brighter. But what if I forgotten how to act or smile or be at all.
What if all I have left is to press game over and restart
It’s the only only thing that makes sense. It hasn’t even been a month yet and everything is going wrong. I won’t lie, it’s not the worst year of my life, but at this rate it will be.
One of my New Years resolutions was to go to bed earlier. And I actually did for four days and then I couldn’t do it any longer, but I had a good reason to stop.
When I did go to bed earlier ( around ten-ish.) I would wake up from nightmares every hour. One time when I woke up, I was hyperventilating because in my dream someone was sitting on me. I have had more nightmares this year then ever before.
There’s many other reasons of why I think this year is cursed, to name a few…
I sprained my elbow seven days before a meet. My brother got into a car accident ( he’s fine, but he no longer has a car.) I have gotten sick twice. My friends all have dates to the prom and I on the other hand do not. ( I don’t care if I do or not, but I hate to stand out and if I’m the only one going alone, I WILL stand out.)
This summer I’m going to try to get a job at subway, but the sad thing is I have to quit my team after competition season to do so. It’s been my plan for forever, but I’m still going to miss my teammates.
This year, better get BETTER before I hit it in it’s face because I’m getting tired of this bad luck. (That’s all, go on with your day/night.)