I want to press game over and restart. You told me that was impossible and I should just carry on with my life.
So I kept my lips sealed, but my mind would run wild.
You would always say I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, but you don’t understand I do it all the time.
I lie when I say I’m fine just tried,I say as I close my eyes.
You would say act better, be better, and smile even brighter. But what if I forgotten how to act or smile or be at all.
What if all I have left is to press game over and restart
It’s the only only thing that makes sense. It hasn’t even been a month yet and everything is going wrong. I won’t lie, it’s not the worst year of my life, but at this rate it will be.
One of my New Years resolutions was to go to bed earlier. And I actually did for four days and then I couldn’t do it any longer, but I had a good reason to stop.
When I did go to bed earlier ( around ten-ish.) I would wake up from nightmares every hour. One time when I woke up, I was hyperventilating because in my dream someone was sitting on me. I have had more nightmares this year then ever before.
There’s many other reasons of why I think this year is cursed, to name a few…
I sprained my elbow seven days before a meet. My brother got into a car accident ( he’s fine, but he no longer has a car.) I have gotten sick twice. My friends all have dates to the prom and I on the other hand do not. ( I don’t care if I do or not, but I hate to stand out and if I’m the only one going alone, I WILL stand out.)
This summer I’m going to try to get a job at subway, but the sad thing is I have to quit my team after competition season to do so. It’s been my plan for forever, but I’m still going to miss my teammates.
This year, better get BETTER before I hit it in it’s face because I’m getting tired of this bad luck. (That’s all, go on with your day/night.)
Right at this moment, I’m writing this with one hand… why? Ohhh because I sprained my arm.
Just seven days before a meet… no biggy! I’m not allowed to do anything for 48 hours and I can’t tumble, I can’t vault, and I can’t dance. I really can’t do anything… for longer than that because it has to heal… bleh!
I just wanted to go to gym from 1-7pm so I could be more ready for the competition not so I couldn’t go… stupid me I mixed the two up, it happens. I least I get the time to study, so that’s good.
When it happened, I really wanted to get up and say I was okay like I always do. This time I couldn’t get myself to move. I just held my arm and cried. My coach finally got me up and ice it.
My other coach came up to me and asked “what happened?… Are you okay, you never cry.” I say I’m fine, she reaches for my arm and says “can you you straighten it?” … ” no, but that’s not the point… I’m fine, I can practice.” She looks at me and says “no, call your mom and go to the er, just to be safe.” I say “okay…”
The thing was when I fell I felt like I was in a movie, it was weird. When I got to the er I was just making jokes and having a good old time.
It sucks, but that doesn’t mean my life can’t be great without a good arm. Do I mess out on a lot? Sure. But I also get time to myself and to be honest I need a break. Just so you know that’s all it is ( a break.) I’m not giving up on this meet season. I’m too stubborn to do so.
Why dose people have to argue about the stupidest things. They mean nothing and are also very pointless. They should never be said in the first place, in my opinion. All they do is hurt everyone in the situation.
If something doesn’t go the way you want it to, who cares. Life rarely goes the way it’s supposed to or the way you want it to, so don’t expect it to.
I don’t understand people like that; people who get mad at every little thing. I guess that’s why I’m the way I am because I know how it feels to be around people like that constantly. To be yelled at and called names, constantly. To feel like a burden, constantly.
People just need to stop being rude and so negative to people around them. I don’t care if they don’t feel good, that’s not an excuse. Treat people the way you would want to be treated. That’s all I wanted to say here.
My heart won’t slow down. Thoughts are roaming through in my head and I can’t get them to sit down. Not even for a moment.
I have so much that’s coming up in my life, I’m so stressed. I don’t want to be, I want to be happy and excited for everything. It’s just not ending up that way.
I keep telling myself; It will all be okay, I just have to make it to June. ( my birthday.) after that I won’t be stressed and it will all go back to “normal” whatever that means.
I’m okay, I’m happy-ish. It’s just that with everything going on my anxiety is killing me. Life will get less stressful and more stressful once again. But this and everything else will pass, I’m sure of it.
Today is New Years Eve and you know what that means. It’s time to make some New Year’s resolutions, that I may or may not listen to. That’s not going to stop me from making them. If there’s even a chance I can change, why not try I definitely need it.
Since the year is 2018 I will make eighteen resolutions.
Number one, wake up earlier and don’t stay up AS late. Number two, focus more on school. Number three, grow up just a tad. Number four, don’t be afraid to live. Number five, work on your photography. Number six, get a job. Number seven, a car too it would help. Number eight, don’t worry be happy. Number nine, figure out your style. Number ten, hangout more with friends. Number eleven, don’t look back and hold onto the past like you do. Number twelve, no matter what happens remember you’ll make it threw. Number thirteen, get outside more. Number fourteen, run at least once every two weeks. Number fifteen, keep your mouth shut. Number sixteen, open your mouth when needed. Number seventeen, eat a little healthier. Number Eighteen, write more, but don’t forget about your surroundings.
I’ve always been the girl, who didn’t fit in. If I ever did, it took forever. I was the weirdo. I was the almost, pretty girl. I was the girl who could never keep her mouth shut, but I was also the girl who could never open it. I have two families, but I somehow I didn’t fit in to either. The truth is, I still don’t.
When that one guy told me he liked me, I didn’t believe him. I told myself, I was crazy to think that. Turns out I was right to think he didn’t like me. I don’t understand, why its so hard to open me up to talk about my feelings. When it comes to talking about that I go frozen, unable to open my mouth and speak. I drove myself away from the only guy I have ever liked and the only guy that’s ever liked me.
People tell me i’m pretty and funny and that they like talking to me. That’s all online though. I only post pictures I look my best in and the whole funny thing I, don’t send or post the message until it perfect (and even writing this now.) Of course, they like me they only see the best parts. I hide the rest away conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know. (I watched Frozen, right before I wrote this.)
I mess up a lot, but i’m not horrible. I’m trying my best to grow up, but its like they are blindfolded, they can’t see any of it. I’ve picked my major and college, plus where I want to live after. I’m quitting my team in March to get a job to pay for all that. They can’t see how stressed i am, or see how hard i’m working, or how close I am to breaking. By treating me like i’m a five year old is making everything worse. I know there intentions are good, but I just want to be let alone until I figure how to grow up on my own with just a little guidance from them.